I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
