I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
