The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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