The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
