I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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