Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
