I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
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almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
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You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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