Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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