I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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