There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
