Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
