I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
