So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
