I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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