your thong is hanging out like whoa
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
