There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
tonight lets celebrate not being married
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
