I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
