awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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