When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The air taste purple.
Randomize
