This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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