when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
