you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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