If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
