Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
