I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
