how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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