is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
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he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
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See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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