i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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