i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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