the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dear god my vagina.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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