just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
