Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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