i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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