You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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