Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
