I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
