hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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