i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
