thus making me awesome and them whores
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
