he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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