saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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