8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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