Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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