just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
