Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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