Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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