she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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