I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
