I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.