..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help