Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.

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(917): Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard. http://tfl.nu/xsvt

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..

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(412): My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list.. http://tfl.nu/7bvi

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"

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(617): So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK" http://tfl.nu/gedz

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(804): View more from Virginia

I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."

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(804): I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock." http://tfl.nu/9z32

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(204): View more from Manitoba

all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.

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(204): all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future. http://tfl.nu/ob1b

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(416): View more from Toronto

he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup

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(416): he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup http://tfl.nu/u0xy

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(315): its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus http://tfl.nu/cdww

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(402): View more from Nebraska

From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.

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(402): From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own. http://tfl.nu/wlot

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs

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(908): Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs http://tfl.nu/h0qb

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(+44): I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you. http://tfl.nu/998a

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(219): View more from Indiana

How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.

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(219): How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code. http://tfl.nu/zcfb

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.

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(+44): I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership. http://tfl.nu/vlyz

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator

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(701): You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator http://tfl.nu/12pr

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(614): View more from Ohio

Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!

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(614): Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together! http://tfl.nu/qkst

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