and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.