did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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