It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
