I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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