my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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