As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
