I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
