Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
