Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
