I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
